No playoffs for your team? Watch some soccer TV shows instead.

There's a lot of documentaries and tv dramas about soccer to enjoy for those of us who can't quite bring ourselves to invest in MLS playoff soccer.

The thing that’s great about watching a soccer game is: you are entirely uncertain of the outcome. The twists! The turns! My team is up two goals!¹ Two-to-nil, it turns out, IS the most dangerous lead in football!

All of that is definitely true when one of the two teams battling is *your* team. However, the feeling of watching MLS football as a neutral – without a big-name star like Messi or Chicharito – just doesn’t have the same oomph. “That was a nice roulette-into-a-blast-to-the-top-90,” he says, while simultaneously scrolling his phone and reading yet another email from my kids school. You aren’t invested. You don’t really care.

There are tricks to make yourself care, which I like to employ. You can pick a former player to root for, like former Rapids Dom Badji, Zac MacMath², and Anthony Markanich. You can root for a newly emerging star, like Duncan McGuire or Diego Luna.³ Or you can try and win hat money; a couple months back I had $50 that was about to go to zero in a bad stock investment that I made. So I yanked it out and figured ‘what the hell, let’s see if I can make it work for me.’ I’m trying to buy a cool hat from Goorin Bros,⁴ so either I win the money betting $10 amounts on MLS parlays or I just lose the $50 I was gonna lose anyway. Suddenly, I care a little bit if Seattle or FC Cincinnati win or lose.⁵

If none of that can get you interested, but you still love the footie, then might I suggest a TV show or three? It’ll have a narrative structure and goals and highlights, and also intimate personal drama. And you don’t have to swap allegiances to enjoy it.

Beckham

Streaming on: Netflix

David and Victoria Beckham – or ‘Becks and Posh’ if you grew up in England and were inundated with the tabloid headlines of the UK’s most famous couple – give an insider look at their lives from birth to today. There are some interesting revelations: I particularly enjoyed the dichotomy of Beckham saying in episode 1 ‘every moment I could, I was out in the garden, practicing with a ball’ juxtaposed against conversations with Beckham’s father and with Beckham himself noting that his dad demanded better and better from the youngster, and that Beckham was mostly motivated to perform by fear of his father’s disapproval. I also learned a little about his time with Real Madrid, which I knew (or at least remember) little to nothing about.

There’s three big problems with this documentary. The first is that it’s an authorized biography, and that means it isn’t so objective. Beckham’s infidelity is acknowledged, but treated as ‘it was a hard time for our family’, which seems to skirt the details or motivations. In general, there’s a lot of kind of surface reflection but not a lot of clarity or depth. The second problem is that it’s most interested in Beckham as a man and a global brand than it is with him as a football player. It was particularly regarding the football itself that I felt let down. I didn’t really understand how Becks sees the game or how he plays, or what made Manchester United so spectacular. ‘We played as a team and Sir Alex is brilliant and we won.’ OK: I think there’s more to it though maybe?

The third problem for us in the US is that his time in MLS is covered in, I think, 20 minutes? TL;DR ‘Victoria liked the lifestyle, and the football quality was shit, and they were mad when I went on loan to Milan, and then I won a cup’. I found Grant Wahl’s book ‘The Beckham Experiment’ fascinating and rich with stories and characters. ‘Beckham’ the documentary, and Beckham the man, don’t seem to interested in talking about MLS. Which, for a guy that owns 10% of Inter Miami, is strange to me.

Still, the walk down memory lane is fun, and you get the inside scoop a little, so this is worth a binge.

Grade: ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

(Three stars out of five)

Welcome to Wrexham

Streaming on: Hulu

I generally reject the conventional wisdom that what makes this series go is the celebrity factor of Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney. This show is good; and yeah, it absolutely changes the nature of this little fifth division Welsh team because the owners are Deadpool and Mac from Always Sunny in Philadelphia. However.

This show is great because it goes so deep behind the scenes. In the first season, we see the celebrity owners pour money into a new pitch, and then wince when ‘the grass doesn’t take right’ and they have to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to do it all again. We watch them take Zoom meetings about how to get the regional council to finance the new north stand; we see Ryan struggle to understand how offsides works. We revel as they meet King Charles and pal around with Will Ferrell. But in season two, they spend a whole episode on their differently-abled team, and another two episodes following their women’s amateur team. They embed with supporters who live and die by the team - and we watch as some of them battle their own personal dragons. If you already love a club, it will feel incredibly familiar to you. At some point, you will point at the screen and either say ‘I know the Rapids version of THAT gal/guy’ or you will say ‘I AM the Rapids version of that guy/gal.’

Only points off are for a couple of episodes where really nothing happens and the guys act like goofballs for 40 minutes, or a few stretches where it’s just fun highlights. Also, like ‘Beckham’, it’s a little thin on tactics and nerdery. But really, this is a wonderful show to binge - worth throwing in for a few months subscription on Hulu all by itself.⁶

Grade: ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ 1/2

(Four and a half stars out of five)

Ted Lasso

Streaming on: Apple +

The show is, as the kids say, a vibe. It’s silly and heartfelt throughout, and you find yourself becoming more and more invested in each character’s development throughout the show. Season one is a long plot arc patterned after ‘Major League’ - AKA ‘what if a WOMAN bought a sportsball team and then ruined it to spite her husband LOL?!?’ That’s on top of the original premise of the NBC sports TV commercials that originated Ted Lasso: ‘what if an American throwball coach came to England and led a Premier League club?’ They add to that two other main characters and their arcs. First, there’s the old grizzled veteran who is perpetually grumpy. And there’s his Oscar-must-have-a-Felix counterpart, the hot new young brass shallow not-so-bright starboy. Honestly, on the face of it, it sounds trite and cliché - an amalgam of a hundred failed tv sitcoms on the big networks. But instead of leaning in to those very reductionist and simplistic narratives, they complex-ify all four arcs over the first and second seasons and get something really special.

It is also constantly funny. The Lasso-isms themselves are wonderful, but there’s a zillion football easter eggs for us dorks too - from book placements ripped from my entire football library to a season three character who is basically Zlatan at LA Galaxy to cameos from Rebecca Lowe to Thierry Henry to even Pep Guardiola. Ted getting high as a kite in Amsterdam and then thinking he invented ‘Total Football’ is a personal favorite of mine.

Season two I think is the best, because the characters get to breathe a little instead of being stuck to a ‘good guys / bad guys’ reductionism. Season three struggles because it feels crammed and rushed - there are a dozen fascinating characters and the writers are trying to give them all screen time while solving their character arcs and it doesn’t quite work. But it’s a brilliant show that, despite a few saccarine/schmalty moments, genuinely succeeds at reflecting on the human condition, and the value of things like kindness, jealousy, honesty, growth, love, and male friendship, in a way that feels a little deeper than it should for a dopey show about a fake soccer team.

Grade: ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

(Four stars out of five)

Sunderland ‘Til I Die

Streaming on: Netflix

For the footballer die-hard, Sunderland is a must-watch because you get a look behind the curtain at how a football team is built at the GM level and coached, and how the locker room is sometimes united and sometimes not.

Today, however, it is inevitably going to be graded against ‘Welcome to Wrexham’, and by that metric, it isn’t quite as strong. There are clear access problems, where a thing happens and somehow it has to be told via a black screen with text because the cameras weren’t allowed in. A critical player departure and sort-of under-explained ownership change in season two highlight that ‘uh, we can’t show you everything’ aspect of the show. The balance of the show is also on management and players, and I would have liked more about the supporters and the town - also an aspect that makes Wrexham so strong.

‘Sunderland ‘Til I Die’ is still recommended, if only because without it, there is no ‘Welcome to Wrexham’; Ryan Reynolds apparently cites it as the thing he watched that made him consider buying a football club in the first place.

Grade: ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ 1/2

(Three and a half stars out of five)

All or Nothing: Arsenal

Streaming on: Amazon Prime Video

I went into this show, based on what I’d heard about ‘All or Nothing: Manchester City’, expecting something of a season-long commercial for Arsenal Football Club.

And that’s pretty much what I got.

Have you ever wanted to see Aaron Ramsdale’s medical? Have you ever wanted to watch Mikel Arteta give a rousing speech at half time about effort? Have you ever wanted to see Patrick Aubameyang get a haircut? Or watch Josh Kroenke show any interest at all in a football club? That’s what this show is here for.

There’s dramatic music! Angry sports radio callers! Mean tweets! ‘They doubted us, but we overcame’-type rhetoric. It’s all here.

There are definitely some neat behind the scenes moments of this world class club, and you do get an up-close view of the big stars, and that is enjoyable to a degree. And Mikel Arteta is truly fun to watch as he motivates his men, game after game – he certainly has a talent as a teacher and communicator. But ultimately, this is a fairly one-dimensional series.

I knew I was watching this only to report to my loyal Holding the High Line friends that they could skip this. Well, mission accomplished folks. For all but the most dedicated Arsenal fans, skip it.

Grade: ⭐️ ⭐️

(Two stars out of five)

30 for 30: Soccer Stories

Streaming on: ESPN+

Eight Episodes: Hillsborough; Maradona; The Opposition; The Myth of Garrincha; Ceasefire Massacre; Jules Rimet Trophy; Barbosa; White, Blue and White.

Bar none, the most important soccer stories ever put onto TV; this series is required viewing for soccer fans. You will, however, need to buckle in for some of these, because they make for grim viewing. ‘Hillsborough’ will absolutely break your heart, as will ‘The Opposition’; the first is about about a stadium crush that killed 97 Liverpool supporters, while the second deals with Chilean repression under the Pinochet government. The episode entitled ‘The Jules Rimet Trophy’ is a cool whodunit regarding the infamous missing World Cup trophy.

All of these episodes are brilliant, entertaining, and well-told stories about aspects of world football that really bring to light how important the global game is, in innumerable and complex ways.

-Also go look up another 30 for 30 called ‘The Two Escobars’, on an amazing story from the ‘94 World Cup. That episode should be in the ‘Soccer Stories’ cue but oddly isn’t.

Grade: ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

(Five stars out of five)

1. Only longtime Rapids fans going back to perhaps 2021 will remember the feeling of being up on an opponent by two goals to nil. Even ‘being up on an opponent’ is a mildly unfamiliar sensation.

2. Yeah, it’s probably heresy to root for RSL, but I really like Zac. He’s a nice guy.

3. Again, RSL issues.

4. Who do not sponsor this substack or podcast, but if they did, then I would write about them more often.

5. Gambling is like all dangerous and potentially addictive pastimes - be careful with this stuff, my friends. I limit myself to two cups of coffee a day; two whiskeys on a Saturday night; and betting only a tiny amount of money that I’m totally fine with losing. I’m blessed to be risk-averse and to have a generally non-addictive personality. However, I don’t recommend whiskey, gambling, or the regular snorting of toad venom for everyone.

I’ve bet a soccer games or two every week for the past three months. I started with $50. As it stands, my account currently holds $45.89.

6. I might also recommend ‘What We Do In The Shadows’ and the back catalogue of ‘Saturday Night Live’. Hulu is, however, getting thinner and thinner in offerings, and were it not bundled with Disney and ESPN+ might be in danger of getting relegated from the Premiership down to ‘streaming services I no longer subscribe to.’